Some Sad News...

As most of you have already heard by now, Andy and I recently experienced the miscarriage of our second child. It has been a sad experience for both of us, but ultimately we know it was God's Will. We feel very blessed to have Gianna; her hugs and kisses are so sweet. I know if this had been my first experience with pregnancy I would have a lot more worries and fears, but I have proof that I can carry a healthy baby to term, so some of my worries and fears are subsided. It is still hard, however, because we know this baby was our child just as much as Gianna is; a unique human being, with a unique soul.

I've decided to share a letter I wrote to our baby... it encompasses the memories we have of our baby's short little life with us, here on earth.

Dear Clara Frances,

I wanted to write this letter to you to let you know how much you meant to your dad and me during your short time with us here on earth. Although your life here was short, you left your impact. This is your story; I can't wait to hear the rest someday, when we meet in Heaven.

On January 25th, 2010, I reconfirmed my pregnancy with you by taking another pregnancy test. I had taken one on the 20th, and it was positive, but the line was very faint. I wanted to take another one to make sure. It was definitely positive! Your dad and I were both very excited. It seemed a little surreal, but again, exciting, and a blessing! We had been trying for about six months to conceive. I began reading my pregnancy countdown book and of course, started thinking of names; your name was important, and I wasn't going to waste any time;)

On February 26th, we went to the doctor for our first pre-natal visit, our eight week appointment. I couldn't remember if we would get to hear your heartbeat at this appointment or not, but I was pretty sure we would. The appointment started out good, and the memories I had from doing this with your sister came flooding back. At one point, the nurse was telling me that at your 20 week appointment was when we could find out if you were a girl or boy. I told her I wanted to find out this time because it seemed like it would be harder to wait this time around.

The doctor came in after a little bit. We asked her a few questions, then she had me prepare for our first ultra-sound. This is when the mood drastically changed, and we learned some troubling news. You were only measuring at about 5 weeks 6 days instead of the 8+ weeks you should have been measuring at. My heart completely sank, and I started to cry. The doctor tried to reassure us that we could have conceived later than we thought, but that just didn't seem right. I knew in my heart something was wrong. We had to schedule another appointment for next Friday. The hope was for growth and a strong heartbeat. It was a hard day; I couldn't tell anyone without crying.

During that next week, we prayed. We prayed to the Father, to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. I told Jesus to take you into His arms; I knew you would be safe there. We prayed to Our Blessed Mother, to St. Gianna, and to St. Gerard. We prayed for you and for God's Will to be done. You were in His hands, as you had been from the beginning.

On March 5th, we had our second doctor's appointment. The news wasn't good. You hadn't grown and you still did not have a heartbeat. Dad cried. He had been trying so hard to be optimistic for me and for you. I think it was then that he really knew he had lost you. The news was hard for me, but after last Friday's appointment, I just knew something was wrong, so I was a little more prepared for the worst. The doctor said there was more than likely some abnormality that made you stop growing. I really wanted my body to let you go when it was ready, so I chose to wait for this to happen naturally.

On March 10th, the spotting began. It continued the next day. That day was rough emotionally. I realized I was loosing you. It was only a matter of time now. March 14th, the spotting continued still. I had more peace with it. I had carried you for three months, and now it was time to let you go.

On March 16th, early in the morning, the miscarriage began. I had woken up to go to the bathroom and after lying back down, the pain set in. It seemed to proceed like a mini labor and lasted for about a half an hour. When the time came, I did the only thing I thought I could do, and I let you go. Now, I regret not doing more... you deserved better.

You will always be our Baby B. We decided to name you Clara Frances. You were due on St. Francis of Assisi's feast day, October 4th, and both your dad and I felt you were a girl. Clara was the girl's name we had been thinking about. If we get to Heaven someday and find out you were a boy all along, well then, we give God permission (not that he needs it) to change your name to Francis Claire;)

We love you, and we miss you, but we rejoice because you are in Heaven now! You are in eternal happiness, and we can't wait to see you someday, face to face.

Love Always,

Mom

Finally, I will leave you with a prayer I found that I think is so beautiful.

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind she hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes she sees everlasting Beauty—she sees My face. She was created and lived a short time so the image of her parents imprinted on her face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. She knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. She laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. She was created for My joy and her parents’ merits. She has never seen pain or sin. She has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

-- Mother M. Angelica